Today we had a visit for Baby D.  The visit was not from his CPS worker but a state employee who just checks up on the removed kids.  She asked if I had any concerns. . . "Um, yeah.  I haven't heard anything from his CPS worker, he's almost a month old and hasn't had a visit with his mom. . . don't they want him to attach to her?"  She told me that as long as Baby D is bonding with me and the hubby, he should be healthy.  Ideally its best to bond with mom, but if she's not healthy the worker said she wouldn't bond with him anyway.

So I have this baby that I'm told to connect with as if I was his birth mother.  He hasn't been with her since he was a two days old and needs to form a bond with me.  Sounds easy right? Well it is.

Last Monday my sister in law asked if I got the same feeling waking up with him in the middle of the night and feeding him as I did with Brooklyn when she was a newborn.  Other than the fact I'm not breastfeeding this time (thank God because I wonder if feeding a stranger's baby would be weird?), I told her that I do feel the same way.  Don't get me wrong, its really crappy.  The exhaustion has taken such a toll on me that I don't actually feel tired anymore.  But he is so little and innocent with such great needs that I find pleasure in waking up with him.  I enjoy talking to him in the middle of the night as I did with Brooklyn. 

But then I think it might be his age.  He hasn't known anything else really yet, and with a 3 month old placement I might be annoyed that I would be taking over for a less qualified mom and be waking up in the middle of the night.  That sounds bad, but I'm not sure it would be the same.  With this infant I'm his first experience, I get to bond with him and meet his needs, I get the enjoyment of loving on him nightly.  I am in charge during this crucial time of development. 

Ryan and I were just talking last night about how God has always been faithful to our family.  In all of our circumstances, whether good or bad, He has been faithful through it all.  I know that He has a plan for Baby D.  I know that there's a reason he's currently in our home and selfishly, really selfishly, I want the purpose behind this all to be a future adoption.  It's true.  I'd be fine if he reunited with his mom soon, but if he's in my home for three or more months before going home, my heart would be sad.  Wouldn't you feel the same way?

1 comment:

  1. Oh sweet Sara, you KNOW I feel the same!!! :) Having these angels from itty bitty just makes it that much harder.