Chipping away at the Stone

Yesterday, the 25th of November, was a milestone for me.  Eight months and fifteen days.  

It's weird, I can be super girlie and emotional, crying at commercials or at the end of Elf. . . but sometimes I think I have a heart made of stone.

Eight months and fifteen days, that's how long it took me.  

I probably turned my own heart into stone, at first protecting it from being broken.  Knowing that kids were going to come in and out of my home, I was prepared to keep my heart safe.

Sadly, for a long time my heart had turned into stone because I wanted to save it for Brooklyn.  From the day of her birth the day I was pregnant, that girl had my entire heart.  I've desired to love on other kids through Foster care, but couldn't ever let the stone down in fear that it might change the amount of love I had for her.

God continues to show us how He purposely put Baby G in our lives.  Ryan and I even believe that Baby G has shaped Brooklyn and her personality.  Their closeness in age, relationship and personalities will probably forever change her life and his. 

Eight months and fifteen days later, I finally kissed G directly on the lips.

Heart of stone right?  I think when his mom asked us to adopt him, a little bit of stone chipped away.  Then when the plan changed from foster to adoption through the courts, some more chipped away.  Mom and Dad's rights were both severed and some stone chipped away.  I'd like to think that I have always kissed him on the cheek or forehead to avoid his slobbery, always teething mouth.  But the reality is that my heart was protected by stone, and I avoided that kiss.

We took family pictures this past Saturday, and you know our toddlers sat nicely and smiled for every picture right?  Yeah, sure.  But I did say out loud, "Watch, G will be in our family pictures and then something will change last minute where he isn't a part of our family, wouldn't that be awful?"  I said that out loud because its a deep fear in my heart.  

Eight months and fifteen days later, I know that God has been chipping the stone away from my heart and reminding me that He is in control of Baby G.  He is in control of my son's life.  I am so thankful for the privelege to raise him, and I hope that one day I can share with G honestly about how long it took me to open up completely to him, but that he has my entire heart too.

1 comment:

  1. Sara, look up the song (with lyrics) All Of Me by Matt Hammitt. It is a perfect song about giving all your heart to someone, even if it will break some day.

    And I can't imagine how you felt with your miracle daughter so young and getting into foster care. I've often thought that us doing foster care before any kids of our own was so much harder because of just that...if our foster child leaves, we have an empty quiet house. And I'd be devastated. And also, since I don't have my own kids, I'd be giving my whole heart to these kids just to have it broken.

    Of course these same feelings can come from a family with bio kids, too! But I just felt it was harder this way. After reading your post, I can't imagine how that feels now...but I think I will. If our adoption of J goes through, he will be my child and I've had the little notion pass through my mind that J will be getting all my heart, and there won't be as much left for the other kids we take in.

    But God can do so much! He can let our hearts give ALL to Him, all to our hubbies, all to our kids, and even have the ability to give all to these other kids we take in! It doesn't add up, but with God - it just does! And I am always reminding myself that NO MATTER WHAT, these kids NEED this type of love...an ALL OF ME love.