An Unclear Ending

I started to think about writing a post for Baby D, and my heart and insides tighten up just thinking about him and his case.  Which is actually better than yesterday, I would much rather have my insides on fire instead of having my eyes always watery, fighting the tears which will of course- lead to sobs. 

I can’t help but think, “This is supposed to happen.”  We are meant to experience a heartbreaking loss like so many families do through foster care.  Our family has had two placements/four kids leave our home, with both situations being fine for us.  Then we get a sweet blue-eyed boy who fits in perfectly with our family, and we get to keep him!  I guess we were due for a sad case; a baby that we naturally fell in love with would leave our home. 

Nothing is official yet, and that was actually the most disappointing part.  The judge has extended Baby D’s case, no change of plans yet for his placement because Dad thinks that when he gets out of prison (again) he will still be able to have a relationship with his son.  I mean, kudos to dad for trying? 

But guess who was at court? Dad’s niece, the family member that he listed as a caregiver for Baby D.  She was maybe 20, our caseworker wanted us to walk past her- but of course my husband and I introduced ourselves and chatted away.  Ryan’s first question- “So do you want to adopt the baby?”  He’s not straightforward at all.  She kindly thanked us for all that we are doing for Baby D and was just too sweet.

So we wait even longer.  Baby’s lawyer walked out of court mumbling things like: “This is exactly what happened in his brother’s case” and “He’ll be so attached to you it will be a devastating separation”.  Awesome.  But thanks for being honest unlike our quiet caseworker; I would rather be prepared than hopeful.  In the meantime we ask, do we continue to attach to Baby D or start to emotionally put a wall up.  The answer is that we continue to love him, as a baby deserves that emotional attachment, until someone takes him.  I’m thankful that he is easy to love, so that emotion will hopefully pick up quickly for him in another home.

My husband reminded me that Jesus tells us to pick up our cross and follow Him.  But He says to do it on a daily basis.  While our family tries to be obedient of what He wants for us, we have to deny ourselves daily and just move forward.

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.  Luke 9:23


  1. Oh Sara...don't lose hope. Even if there is some pain involved God will make it all worth it somehow like He does with all things. :( Since the case is still uncertain, don't go to the future that you aren't in yet. Don't think too much on it and when you do, because oh Lord we do, call on Jesus to help you for where you are NOW, TODAY. And keep loving that baby like you have...and maybe even MORE since there is a chance he could leave. Your heart will rip out even if you started to detach a bit now. He is your little angel and YOUR baby for these moments right now. And God has his little life in His palm. I know your fear of wanting a sweet baby that you've cared for from the beginning but knowing you might not get to see him even say your name, Mama. I feared that with J even though no family was involved. I was petrified up until the adoption day. Anything can happen in foster care as you know. But that also means anything can still happen with Baby D. God will do what is best for D, for you, and that which will bring Him most glory.

  2. Beautiful sentiments. I am following you per my Aunt Kristina's request :) God Bless your family and Baby D.