The Results Are In

As we've waited to receive the paternity test results for Baby D, that of course took longer than expected, I've had this unsettling feeling in my stomach.  Overwhelming anxiety knowing that I could lose him, the baby I have raised for the past seven months, and wondering myself if I have done the best job that I possibly could have with him.

*Have I spent enough time with him one on one like a mother would with her infant?

*Am I creating the best environment for his development? Rolling over, sitting up, eating. . .

*Do I actually talk to him often?  Cuddle him and play with him?

Being the third child, I'm not sure that any mother can give full and constant attention to that baby directly.  My toddlers are constant- constant.  But knowing that my days are possibly coming to an end with Baby D in my home, I can't help but second guess the life I've provided for him, have I done enough?

There are a ton of blog posts and articles out there right now telling moms to leave each other alone.  If you want to home-school vs. public school, feed your kids organic food vs. McDonald's or spanking vs. love and logic or another form of discipline . . . who cares.  You are the mom and you know what's best for your family.  But on the other side of that, sometimes its not that we are ridiculing other moms for their choices, we're just comparing ourselves with them.  We end up treating ourselves worse or feeling like a bad mom, and often times don't share those insecurities out loud. We need to give ourselves a break.

So on the flip side, what have I done right?  Baby D is healthy as a horse every time he goes to the doctor.  From church and daycare I continuously hear about how happy he is, his smile (and dimples) can light up a room.  He's been loved on, has had play time daily with his parents and siblings, he has books read to him, songs sung to him and is prayed for continuously by ourselves and extended family.  What a life at seven months old.  

The results are in, and the man who is in prison is his father.  Now Baby D's cousin is being interviewed along with the other adults in her home, her house will be looked into (not as tough as a certified foster home) but enough, and very soon we will start the transitional visits for Baby D to leave our home permanently.

A few nights before we even received the results I had cried myself to sleep over losing him, I had a strong feeling that our family was about to walk through this devastating loss.  That we need to experience all of the ups and downs of foster care, and only after this will we be able to relate to the families who have loved children and then said good bye to them.  After the phone call on Tuesday those tears showed up again, and again the next day, and I'm sure I'll see them soon. . . but in the mean time, I'm trying to reflect on the good.

That Baby D has been in a safe and loving home for a very crucial time in his development.  He has a super healthy bond and attachment that will help him so much as his personality and independence grows.  And finally, that our home has given him our best, our best love, our best attention, our care and prayers.  I know these next steps are God's will for Baby D.  He has had Baby D in His hands this entire time and will continue to watch over his life even when he's no longer in our home.

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