A Battle I Can't Fight

Have you recently seen me in the news?  The mom out front of the courthouse protesting our broken system, waving a sign that says baby court is a flop and kids are slipping through. 

Did you catch that letter that I wrote to congress?  The really detailed one about D’s case that explains all of the areas in which this State has failed to protect him.  I made it a public letter so that people could start reading it online, re posting it and really making the story of this mom’s broken heart go viral. 

Or maybe you heard that Ryan and I, a Pastor and stay-at-home mom, are spending thousands of dollars on an amazing lawyer?  We are using our savings just for a small chance that our case could be heard by a second judge or taken into consideration by the appeal board.  In the end we might lose D and all of our savings, but at least we put up a good fight, right?

Michele Lundborg Photography, LLC

I let myself cry the day of the trial. The day that the judge said he was moving D’s case plan to reunification.  Well maybe not cry, but sob like a mother losing a child.  I fell apart that day, like . . . all day long.  I cried walking out of court, in the car, with my kids at lunch, running errands, at nap time, in the evening and then I topped it off by crying myself to sleep. 

But then I woke up the next day ready to fight.  No tears left in me, just anger.  I honestly told Ryan that I might have to turn into a B*%$h because I feel like those are the moms who stand out and get their points across.  I don’t want to be the nice mom who passively watches as my son gets transitioned out of our home and into a criminal’s.  So I explored all of our options and was ready to fight. 

In the two weeks that followed court, I somewhat stayed to myself for the first week, not returning calls or texts, not speaking about the trial much.  The second week my husband and I went on a weekend vacation and came home to drive our entire family of 8 up to a family camp.  (A camp that some family friends graciously blessed us with by sending our family!) Out of an emptiness that I can’t explain, and also frustration with God, I still tried to be aware of verses that were coming up around me, whether that was through a message at camp, a picture I noticed, I verse that I read or one that was sent to me from someone else.  I wanted to be sensitive and open to anything that God was trying to show me and I was desperate. I needed something, anything to fill me up, any kind of confirmation that I could go home with, any kind of hope to take away the dead feeling inside of me. 

Ecclesiastes 6: 10-11  “Whatever exists has already been named, and what man is has been known; no man can contend with one who is stronger than he.  The more the words, the less the meaning, and how does that profit anyone?”

Ecclesiastes 8:6 “For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man’s misery weighs heavily upon him.”

John 15:7 “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.”

Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

Be still.

There it is.  I see those words often in jewelry, on t-shirts, written with pretty font on Pinterest. 

Be still.

Those two words seem so counter-cultural to our western lives.  So opposite of what someone would do if they were up against a battle.  After court I kept telling Ryan that I feel like we’ve had SO many people praying, and God hasn’t really shown up yet.  But His Spirit reminded me that He’s been with us the entire time.  I would prefer a grand entrance but I like to think that instead of using lightning bolts He’s chosen to be the quiet judge sitting in the back of the courtroom.  The ultimate judge who hates injustice.  This is his battle, not mine.  D is His child, and not really mine. 

So other than praying, I’m not doing anything.  And truthfully, with my household and other kids we have, I think that God has made me really tired and drained to the max so that I have no choice but to surrender and let Him do the work.  I would appreciate your prayers, and would love to share more feelings about this at another time.

Lord, I surrender.  Fill me up with an unexplainable peace as my son’s case plays out.  I can’t pray for his biological dad to fail, which is really our only chance to have D, so instead I’ll pray for YOUR will to be done.  Not my selfish will, but what You believe is ultimately best for Baby D’s precious life.   

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