My 2015 Goal

New Year, New Old You


Everyone gets a fresh start at the beginning of the year.   For 2015, instead of creating some fresh new habits I’m digging in deep to bring out some old characteristics.  Somewhere along the way I’ve lost a little bit of me, and I’m praying to find some of that this year.

I remember seeing an interview years ago on the Today Show with Teri Hatcher.  She had written Burnt Toast: And Other Philosophies of Life for the moms who had put themselves last for so long.  I thought to myself, “that’s so weird, I would never eat burnt toast.”  And I was right; I definitely don’t eat my kids’ burnt toast or leftover meals for that matter.  But metaphorically I eat it in the many ways that I put myself last. 

Putting myself last is what I’m supposed to do right? In Mark 9:35 Jesus told his disciples “Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all.” I’m a servant in my house, not in a way that I feel chained and under paid (although I could use some more spending money), I truly love being a servant to my family.  I believe its how God designed me and that by serving my family I’m fulfilling my purpose. 

Each week that I do an insane amount of laundry I know that my work goes unseen.  I know this because when I went off to college I told my best friend that my bed sheets had never been washed, maybe changed every few months, I couldn’t actually think of how often to do it because I thought it was never done.  When I called my mom to ask her advice she told me that she had washed and changed my bed sheets each week for 18 years.  She was the unseen servant hard at work, and as I strive to be a hardworking Momma I try to look at the mundane act of laundry as fulfilling a role that I was called to do.

After four+ years of taking on Motherhood, three of those years consisting of the wavering road of Foster Care, I became a little out of balance with who I am.  I know that motherhood changes a person, and I’ll never be the same woman I was in my early twenties (thank the Lord), but in fulfilling my job as a Momma I’ve lost some of Sara’s characteristics.  Does that make sense?  There have been a few occasions over the past year or so that my husband has made statements along the lines of “that was something you used to do” or “she reminded me of the way you used to be”.  Other than wanting to slap him a little, after reflecting on the things he was commenting about, it got me questioning where that spirit once in me has been.

My mom did not raise me to be a passive wife and Momma; somewhere along the way I just became that.  You know it happens often that I’ll want to do something for myself, like get my nails done or browse Ross for example, and I’ll go days without mentioning it to my husband because I talk myself out of deserving it.  Then he’ll make plans for something that will be at the same time and I’ll never bring up what I wanted to do anyway. 

I still find joy without doing things for myself, but as weeks go by I’ll have a crying break down or explode at my husband.  As we talk out the situation we always find that the reason I fell apart boils down to the fact that I’m not taking care of myself.  I never want to put myself before my husband or children.  I don’t need to be first, but I’ve come to a place where I don’t think it’s healthy to not consider myself at all, I’m not even coming in last place, I’m simply not in line.

The hubs and I almost didn’t make it past our first year of marriage because we fought so hard and were both pretty strong and stubborn.  I often think that feeling strongly about something in my home and voicing my opinion about it will turn things into a fight, but I forget about how far we’ve come and how much my husband loves me.  I want my kids to see that their Momma loves dad first, and that I respect and submit to him in a healthy way.   However, I don’t want to model for my children that Mom’s don’t get to take time away or do things for themselves. 

So here I am.  I spent most of last year praying and in battle over foster care and the trouble we faced with the girls and little D.  Now that God worked it all out for good I feel like I might actually have time to think about myself.  So I'm starting 2015 with doing just that.  Not beginning anything new, but praying and reflecting about the things that give me life, activities that fill me with joy.  I’m striving to love my husband, children and MYSELF better this year.  Praying for boldness to speak up for things I want, and for wisdom to know when to remain quiet.  Continuing my role as a servant that makes our house run smoothly, but taking time for Sara to rest and have a little bit of fun this year.  I’m going to find her again.

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